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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

BREAKING REPORT: How Our Netas Stole Christmas!


Thanks to FAKING NEWS for inspiring me for this one.

BREAKING REPORT: It seems the ghost of the upcoming Lok Sabha elections has already begun to haunt our netas and they are desperate to strike a general chord with the public. As per reports that have started to come in, a series of bizarre incidents took place on the evening of Christmas eve (December 24) that involved some of the well-known politicians of the day.

‘Operation Christmas’ was devised by Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi’s PR team who, as per sources, cited it as the ultimate icebreaker to improve his image among Muslim minorities. The plan involved Modi going to a Muslim dominated area in Ahmedabad dressed as Santa Claus on Christmas eve and distributed sweets and gifts to the children there. What seemed as the perfect surprise plan to boost a person’s image soon turned into a nightmare for many other politicos.

An alleged image of Gujarat CM Narendra Modi during a rehearsal before the execution of 'Operation Christmas.' Source confidential.
As per sources within the Gujarat state secretariat, Modi shared his idea with Punjab CM Parkash Singh Badal who too loved it and decided to implement the same with himself too since he thought he would make a natural Santa Claus with his flowing beard. However, it is now being suspected that a mole within the Gujarat CM’s PR team leaked the idea to his Congress adversary Arjun Modhwadiya who decided to hijack the plan since he himself sports a kind of white stubble unlike Modi’s rich snowy harvest on his face.

Leaked information from the IB point out that Modi was to show up at Ahmedabad’s Muslim dominated Juhapura locality at 11:30 pm dressed as Santa Claus in a saffron coloured costume and give surprise visits to the houses while distributing sweets and gifts among the kids there. However, all hell broke loose after Modhwadiya too appeared on the same spot dressed as Santa Claus in a green costume. Sources within the Congress tell us that green was chosen as it was in line with Islamic sensibilities and that the party is pro-Muslim anyway.

Residents of Juhapura soon woke up to see two Santa Clauses hurling abuses at each other while holding sacks on their backs. As people gathered to watch the commotion in the middle of the night, none of them could guess the true identities of the two men because of their Santa Claus makeup. Shamim, a local resident, told our correspondent, “We were confused to find two funnily dressed men so late at night, hurling the choicest abuses on each other and the words were so explicit that the womenfolk had to rush their children back into the houses so that they would not hear them. We thought two drunken rag pickers with their sacks must have got into an argument over the possession of some ware they may have found in the garbage dump. ”

It was only when the two men came to blows that the local people intervened and hurriedly called the police which soon took them away. Reportedly Modi’s close aide Amit Shah had to rush to the police station to identify the two men before they were let off. “This is shameful,” said a BJP volunteer about the incident, “The Congress can stoop down to any level to stop Modiji from reaching out to the masses.” No confirmation has come in as to what happened to the two sacks of sweets and gifts.

While Modi and Modhwadiya battled it out on Christmas eve night in Ahmedabad, Parkash Singh Badal had his own share of misfortune in Amritsar. He reportedly appeared near the Golden Temple dressed as a Santa Claus complete with a red turban and a sackful of chocolates and a bell in hand at about 9 pm. Soon womenfolk and children started complaining of a creepy old men calling out to children with the promises of sweets. The local police unit soon got into action as reports of a child snatcher had been doing the rounds in the city. The police arrived on the spot and soon apprehended the Santa Claus who they stated was calling out to a group of young girls in a rather lewd manner. Before the local Akali Dal leader could rush to the spot, the police personnel started thrashing the Santa Claus disguised Badal after being convinced that he was the wanted child snatcher. As per sources, Badal was immediately rushed to a hospital and is now recuperating from a fractured left leg and bruises on the back.

Badal however was not the only politico to be drawn into the jinxed Christmas outreach plan. Modhwadiya reportedly sent the word about the plan to Congress party president Sonia Gandhi in the national capital New Delhi, who saw it as the perfect opportunity for Rahul Gandhi to reach out to the people and strike an emotional chord. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was immediately sent off to Connaught Place dressed as a Santa Claus in the same manner as Badal, and was accompanied by Rahul Gandhi who was dressed as a Christmas elf and had a signboard hanging on his shoulders reading, “My late grandmother had always dreamed of this moment!”

Sadly, however the plan failed when after three hours of standing in the cold evening in the inner circle of Connaught Place, no one noticed them even for once. Prime Minister Singh was too numb to speak to anyone as he had no ready script available as to what to say to the passersby. Rahul Gandhi, on his part, was too frightened to approach anyone as it was his first time out on the street incognito without the supervision of Digvijaya Singh and without his usual company of Congress bodyguards around.

A few people even mistook them for two homeless children dressed in Christmas theme and handed them some money. By the end of three hours, they had reportedly collected Rs 118 from the people who mistook them for homeless beggars or volunteers from an orphanage. A dejected Sonia Gandhi has reportedly decided to hand over the collected money to former Delhi CM Sheila Dikshit to rehabilitate her after her recent defeat in the state elections. Congress party insiders have informed us that party general secretary Digvijaya Singh was very dejected that he was not told of this plan as he feels he could have perfected it with his visionary tactics.

Apart from these incidents, a report has come in that BJP volunteers in Ahmedabad had also passed the information to jailed godman Asaram Bapu in Jodhpur, who saw it as a good opportunity to boost his image after the recent controversy of child molestation. A Christmas party was organized in the jail premises and the police personnel  were asked to bring their children to it. But sadly, the evening turned to be a flop show as the godman waited in vain dressed as Santa Claus as no one turned up. A source within the jail authorities informed us that coincidentally, most of the jail personnel including the jailor happen to have young daughters and given Bapu’s recent reputation they were too scared to bring them in. It is being said that almost all of them reported illness for their daughters and children and so all the sweets and gifts went to the jail inmates who gave a tearful group hug to Asaram Bapu.

There are also reports that similar plans were also to be seen from Imam Syed Ahmed Bukhari in Delhi’s Ballimaran area after he got to know of the plan from a Congress insider. But due to some unknown reason the plan was cancelled. While we could not get any comments from the Shahi Imam’s spokespersons, it is being pointed out that Bukhari had apprehensions of slipping into the Santa costume as it may invite sharp criticism from the rest of the Muslim clerical circles.

It seems our politicians may have to think of some other ploy to attract the attention of the masses before the Lok Sabha polls next year, but for now they need to rest and let Christmas pass by peacefully.

DISCLAIMER: This is a pure satire which is on the lines of the great work done by Faking News and I sincerely hope this does not hurt anybody's sentiments. 

P.S. I'm a NaMo fan BTW.